Ghosts

I’ve spoken before about the ghosts in these pages.  About how the majority of the people, major roles and walk on parts a like, are no longer here.  This is the vertigo of looking into the past and getting to know those there.  It’s difficult to say but the Babu of those pages is a ghost as well.  She is now 99 and sometimes talks to me about feeling useless and tired.  She talks about not being able to do much, being “just a big baby,” about being a “burden.”  She doesn’t talk about being scared.  She doesn’t talk quite as if she isn’t either.

high school

I haven’t talked about the ghosts in this house either.  I guess, being that I’m skeptical, calling them voices would be more accurate.

Babu often hears her parents speak.  She hears them just talking or talking to each other but never to her.  She can rarely make out what they are saying, either.  We didn’t know what to make of it at first and what to tell her.  I understand it as a phenomena of the mind and a product of age.  Adam may look at it as something more, something with more possibilities.

Whatever the case may be, he decided we should use it and we have.  We cant our responses when she tells us to support the idea that maybe there is something after death.  Maybe they will be waiting for her.

It has back fired a number of times.

For one, Babu has never heard her husband’s voice.  He has been gone now for almost fifty years, yet she thinks about him every day.  She cries about him every day.  Never that I’ve seen, but I believe her because hse has told me that she does.

She thinks he’s got another girl.

I tell her he will be there waiting for her.

If there is one part about this that I believe, it’s that part.

Another thing that happened chilled my bones.  She heard her father saying “I’m alone.” over and over.  The odd thing is Babu overheard her mother, right there by his side telling him, “You’re not alone!”  I imagine her tone to have been:  “Pish paw!  Now cut the dramatics.”

It rattled Babu, though.  We had no explanation for that one.  Telling her her mind was simply firing out hallucinations or she was dreaming and got confused, none of that was going to fly.

This has been the status quo for a while now, but as she gets even older, she is taking those voices more and more to mean her time is come.  “They’re telling me it’s time.”  I want to tell her that when it is her time she will know but that’s a lie.  We wont know either.  I don’t know if I sense in her words a desire to be done.  If so, I don’t even know where to begin feeling about that.

Of course, it isn’t about me.  This is a large part of the caretaker’s role.  We all will question death and the meaning of it together just as we will ask many more questions of and about life.

(As I’m writing this now, a mourning dove is “hoo hoot hoot hooting” right outside the window.  Even though it is true, that is the biggest case of pathetic fallacy I have ever read let alone wrote.)

I distract her, cheer her, support her and we all move on.  The biggest gift in all of this is that we are truly holding onto every moment.

 

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. joanzumwalt says:

    You’re doing an admirable job; caregiving is a challenge. My mother, 97, recently died so I have some sense of your experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your lovely understanding.

      Like

  2. serendipitousbloom.com says:

    Maybe Babu’s fears of what is beyond life are manifesting through these voices. Her father being alone might be from her fear of being alone, yet her mother’s reassurance that he is not alone is to comfort her, as mothers are so good at doing for their children. You are doing an amazing thing by writing her life down for others to read. It is a work of love!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is! Thanks for seeing it that way and for your awesome reflections.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you for you depth of understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Kira says:

    This is amazing. Hold on to every moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwwww, thanks coz! And I for damn sure will.

      Like

  4. The time will come and it will be jarring, that empty space that you can only fill with memories, but you will have such a store of memories to fill it with. You are doing this so well, this hard work of life. Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is all very true. I’m stock piling them and making damn sure I have no regrets.

      Like

  5. Vanessence says:

    All we can do is hold on to the moments, and what you are doing here is holding on to her moments, her life lived, and it’s such a beautiful thing.

    My “theme” – A Thirty-Word Story, revealing one word of the story each day of the challenge.
    #AtoZChallenge The Letter G

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My dad is 89 today. He still drives and he and my mom, soon to be 90 live in their own home and look after themselves. I consider myself to be very fortunate. My grandmother talked to people no one could see.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very fortunate! <3! That is wonderful. I bet we will or have all talked with some other worldliness.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. dray0308 says:

    Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
    Transcribing Memory!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for stopping by and commenting and I agree. I also wonder if there could be some magic and love in Babu’s experience with her parents beyond the grave?

      Like

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