Wow. I have been away from this blog for so very long. It’s true. It’s also true that I think about this blog every day. But, eh, life. I have to admit, I was nervous to start typing and posting again. But, as it usually happens, once I began, it all melted away.
Babu, myself, and the rest of the family celebrated Wigilia (Polish Christmas Eve) yesterday and we are having a very chill Christmas day today. I have to admit, yesterday came with a little bit of sorrow, (and some rage.) The holidays are getting tougher and tougher for me as I know they won’t always be the same. Being three months away from her 100th birthday is causing me to be worried for no reason and preemptively reflective. I think these are just the holiday blues. It hit me maybe a little too hard when I reminded her we’d be going to the family’s house and she just appeared to be full of anxiety to leave the house and more than a little confused. We weren’t leaving until 4 in the afternoon but she rushed through her breakfast, sending some of it uneaten to be saved for the next day and saying: “Well if I knew it was at four I would have eaten my dinner,” She was very confused about the time of day and threw her whole routine off. Even still, we got her to the celebration just fine and she had a great night.
What killed me was two of her own children referring to Babu as a bitch. She wasn’t there when it was said but I was. It killed my soul. I still cannot recover from this. Listen. I get it. Adam and I spoil Babu. Everything we do around her we put her first. Her kids don’t. She isn’t their grandmother, this is Mom to them. So the relationship is going to be different. But they don’t plan ahead to make things she’ll encounter easy. Or even safe. They don’t sit and talk with her. They don’t solve problems when she complains about things. (Example: For some reason, the other day Babu was complaining about things being loud. The person who was with her all day just shrugged and told me “Yea, she’s complained about it all day.” All I did was reach over and TAKE HER HEARING AIDES OUT.) They are dismissive and impatient with her. Therefore, I am well aware she acts differently with them than she does with us. I would – and do – too!
So, my heart has been a little broken. Here I am, holding on to every moment. I’m searching for what more I can do. I’m hating myself when I show the least bit of impatience with her. And they are…well…
I usually do not talk much about the negative side of things with the family. I know that today I just needed to vent.
Why am I being such a downer on Christmas? I know I’ll bounce back. I am so thankful for so many things. She is with the people she knows keep her safe. Today is a day for siblings to hang out. I woke up to so much snow – a white Christmas!!!!! And tell me, what could be better than this Christmas present: instant film?!?!?! What gems!
I have so much I am looking forward to in the new year. We have a wonderful 100th birthday in the works. I personally have growth, joy, peace, self care, and creativity to look forward to. The holidays are always difficult, and so is family. I apologize for the bummer post, and the language, however not mine it was. Yes, the holidays are stressful and also a time for gratitude. I am feeling both in equal amounts. Thanks for letting me vent. Since I’m on vacation I plan on posting much more often. I’m happy to be back!