Happy Holidays! (I’m Trying.)

Wow.  I have been away from this blog for so very long.  It’s true.  It’s also true that I think about this blog every day.  But, eh, life.  I have to admit, I was nervous to start typing and posting again.  But, as it usually happens, once I began, it all melted away.

Babu, myself, and the rest of the family celebrated Wigilia (Polish Christmas Eve) yesterday and we are having a very chill Christmas day today.  I have to admit, yesterday came with a little bit of sorrow, (and some rage.)  The holidays are getting tougher and tougher for me as I know they won’t always be the same.  Being three months away from her 100th birthday is causing me to be worried for no reason and preemptively reflective.  I think these are just the holiday blues.  It hit me maybe a little too hard when I reminded her we’d be going to the family’s house and she just appeared to be full of anxiety to leave the house and more than a little confused.  We weren’t leaving until 4 in the afternoon but she rushed through her breakfast, sending some of it uneaten to be saved for the next day and saying: “Well if I knew it was at four I would have eaten my dinner,”  She was very confused about the time of day and threw her whole routine off.  Even still, we got her to the celebration just fine and she had a great night.

What killed me was two of her own children referring to Babu as a bitch.  She wasn’t there when it was said but I was.  It killed my soul.  I still cannot recover from this.  Listen.  I get it.  Adam and I spoil Babu.  Everything we do around her we put her first.  Her kids don’t.  She isn’t their grandmother, this is Mom to them.  So the relationship is going to be different.  But they don’t plan ahead to make things she’ll encounter easy.  Or even safe.  They don’t sit and talk with her.  They don’t solve problems when she complains about things.  (Example:  For some reason, the other day Babu was complaining about things being loud.  The person who was with her all day just shrugged and told me “Yea, she’s complained about it all day.”  All I did was reach over and TAKE HER HEARING AIDES OUT.)  They are dismissive and impatient with her.  Therefore, I am well aware she acts differently with them than she does with us.  I would – and do – too!

So, my heart has been a little broken.  Here I am, holding on to every moment.  I’m searching for what more I can do.  I’m hating myself when I show the least bit of impatience with her.  And they are…well…

I usually do not talk much about the negative side of things with the family.  I know that today I just needed to vent.

Why am I being such a downer on Christmas?  I know I’ll bounce back.  I am so thankful for so many things.  She is with the people she knows keep her safe.  Today is a day for siblings to hang out.  I woke up to so much snow – a white Christmas!!!!!  And tell me, what could be better than this Christmas present: instant film?!?!?!  What gems!

 

I have so much I am looking forward to in the new year.  We have a wonderful 100th birthday in the works.  I personally have growth, joy, peace, self care, and creativity to look forward to.  The holidays are always difficult, and so is family.  I apologize for the bummer post, and the language, however not mine it was.  Yes, the holidays are stressful and also a time for gratitude.  I am feeling both in equal amounts.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Since I’m on vacation I plan on posting much more often.  I’m happy to be back!

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21 Comments Add yours

  1. karen says:

    Kindness and compassion always wins in the end. You are not responsible for anyone else’s behaviour but your own. I hope this helps you. All the best for 2018 . Karen x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It does help. A reminder of my sphere of influence is always helpful. Thank you. Happy New Year to you as well!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Bless you. Christmas can often be a time of stress for families…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much!! Don’t worry, I’m making sure to count and focus on my blessings.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know you will be ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Blogging is therapeutic! It’s good to have a safe place to come vent when you need to purge some thoughts. I know you’re giving her an excellent quality of life.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so very much. Happy new year!

      Like

  4. Wishing you and your family a belated Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year 2018. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! To you as well.

      Like

  5. alexankarr1 says:

    Welcome back, merry Christmas. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time with family. (Join the club!) I know that not every older person is a saint – people are so eager to point it out. And nor is every son or daughter. Every case has its own merits (and demerits.) But I do think about the hackneyed old fable, about the son and his wife, who took in his frail old father, but made him eat from a manger in the corner, while they sat at the table with their son. At least, until the grandson began whittling away at a piece of wood, and his father asked what he was making. “A manger for you and mamma, when you’re old and sit on the floor in the corner, in my house,” the grandson said. And oh, how differently the grandfather was treated after that, such an honoured guest.

    What goes around comes around, even if in geometrically unexpected, counter-intuitive ways.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, what considerate thoughts and a thoughtful reply. Thank you so very much. Happy new year!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I was missing news from you guys. I worried if things were not going well, but fortunately it’s all right.
    A happy and healthy new year for all

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is beautiful to know that you were thinking of us. I couldn’t have wished for a sweeter holiday gift! Yes, Babu is doing well, I have just been SWAMPED and neglectful of the blog. I am so happy to be back.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. So glad to hear Babu is doing well. Merry Christmas! We missed you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That means so much! I’m happy happy to be back!

      Like

  8. liz3518 says:

    I was so glad to read your post, it is always inspiring. 🙂 Yes, holidays are full of good and bad sometimes. It’s my first Christmas as a grandmom, but my daughter and I have issues that were painfully clear on my visit to her home for Christmas, and I’m so sad and hope they can be worked out. I worry about seeing my granddaughter, because I don’t want there to be tension between my daughter and I around her, children shouldn’t be around such things I think. I hope you have a wonderful holiday. You sound like a wonderful caretaker for your grandmother.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much! Congratulations on being a grandmother and I’m sorry for the conflict. That sounds quite heartbreaking to be frank. I hope for you that the fact that you are showing up and with new motivation – this new life – that things will work out. I am sending all the good vibes your way!

      Like

  9. barbwit says:

    And I’m happy to meet you again; I too am on sabbatical from posting, and keep thinking of my blog. I need to do more research on my father as we’ve got a GoFundMe posting raising funds to make a film of his life.
    Love the photo and you’ll like this one to look back on as Babu looks so happy.
    Stay warm and well. Happy 2018!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Best of luck in the new year! I’m glad to meet up with you again, too.

      Like

  10. Happy Holidays to you, your husband, and Babu. (OH and the pup too!). I can imagine how that would feel to have someone refer to Babu as a bitch! What a sad thing to say about your aging mother. If any of my siblings had said that about my Mom I would have socked em. They must lack understanding of the challenges she faces everyday just by reason of her age. All I can say is she is lucky to have empathetic care givers in her life. You guys rock and are doing an awesome job taking care of her. Best wishes in the New Year for all of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! it’s good to hear from you and thank you for your understanding. I think if they were my siblings there would have been bloodshed, but I’m constantly aware of my place in this family. Even if I had socked them, nothing would have changed. Thank you for understanding oh so well. Best wishes to you and yours as well. Happy New Year!

      Liked by 1 person

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